The one where I'm cranky

5 things that are annoying me today: 1. The woman who slid into my seat on the bus this morning was SO CLOSE to me that her right butt cheek was smashed up against my left butt cheek. And before you go assuming she was a large woman, she probably weighed 120 pounds max. There's no excuse for that kind of behavior. 2. Every time I take a sip of my coffee, three drops land in my lap. It now looks like I wet myself. (Whoever is designing these Dixie cups to go, can we work on this?) 3. I had to wear my winter coat this morning. HEY, APRIL? YOU ARE BEING A JERK! 4. I slept for nine and half hours last night and I'm still struggling to keep my eyes open. 5. I don't normally write about my job on this blog, but I really need to vent for a second. No one from work has donated to my March for Babies fundraiser yet. Normally this wouldn't irk me, but I really go out of my way here to support my coworkers' fundraisers, charities, and the like. True, I didn't buy four boxes of Girl Scout cookies to "be a good person." I bought them because they are freaking delicious. But still, I always go the extra mile for my colleagues. I send them flowers when they are sick, I go to funerals when their loved ones pass away, I pick up the slack for them when family emergencies demand their time away from work. So why is it no one has donated so much as a dollar to my cause? Kinda hurts. :( EDIT: Thought about deleting #5 since the day I posted it... but just a few days ago I did start receiving donations from my coworkers. In these hard times, I would have appreciated a dollar or two from whoever could spare it, but a handful of them have stepped up in a big way. I'm thankful for everyone's generosity. I'm proud to say I've surpassed my goal of raising $500 for the March of Dimes!

Three things that will change your life

Today I bring you three things that will change your life:

#1 Bra Baby
What is the worst thing in the world? Easy. Clothes that need washed by hand. (What, you were expecting me to say social injustice?) Okay, so maybe it's not as high on the scale of "things that ruin humanity" as genocide and Boy George cover bands, but still. It sucks. I think we can all agree on that much.

That's why this little invention has saved my life. The days of scrubbing out the sink and hanging dripping wet bras over my dining room chairs to dry are over.


Found in the "As Seen On TV" section of Bed, Bath, and Beyond and available online, this is one of my favorite purchases of 2008. You just secure your bra inside this two part contraption, throw it in the wash with the rest of your soiled garments, and lay flat to dry. What more could you ask for? I found that using the Bra Baby not only makes my life easier, but it really extends the life of my bras, keeping them pristine and in great shape.

#2 Proactiv
I haven't used Proactiv since high school, but recently my face wash has been leaving behind a film and just wasn't doing the trick. I saw the TV commercial for Proactiv offering the free travel kit with purchase, so I signed back up. (Who doesn't love "free gifts"? Crazy people. That's who.)

My first shipment arrived Friday and my skin already feels one hundred times smoother, softer, and clearer. Why did I ever leave this stuff behind?! Blasphemy! Even if your skin is pretty clear, this is a great line of products for your every day routine. Click here to get the same special offer as me.

#3 Save the Last Dance Soundtrack
Do I really need to explain this? It's THE BEST SOUNDTRACK EVER. Seriously. If you ever feel like shaking your booty, this is the music to do it to.


My favorite part of listening to this soundtrack is reenacting the final audition scene of the film to Athena Cage's "All Or Nothing." You really can't say you've lived until you try it.

Now tell me some things that will change my life!

XO

Don't print this blog unless you really need to*

The following statements are 100% true and Mermanda-approved. 1. In the five issues of The Printed Blog to date, there is definitely a total of EIGHT BOOBS and possibly a NINTH--depending on your definition of the word "boob." That's a lot of boobs. Possibly many more boobs than necessary. But I'll leave that up to you to judge. Are 8-9 boobs too many? Not enough? Answer below. 2. Andrew has a new blog. It's a cooking blog. I'd recommend you watch his video if any of the following apply to you: you are bored, you like to cook, you enjoy watching weird people on the Internet, you want to hear me sing a duet with Andrew. Go watch. I'll wait. 3. There is SOMETHING WEIRD on my blog! Get it off! Kill it! I knew I shouldn't have left the bamboo on my blog overnight. Crap. [Want to see something cool? Drag the bottom right corner of the browser up towards the top left corner of the screen. Mind blowing, right?] 4. Twitter makes me have weird dreams about yogurt. 5. When Hillary and I hit the lottery in our respective countries, we will purchase and wear matching monocles. 6. I have a hell of a time trying to spell monocle. I swear there should be another letter between the c and l. Jeeze. 7. I'm on page 516 of New Moon and back in love with Edward. Dammit. 8. I will buy Drew a beer if he fixes my ibook. If he doesn't, I will buy MYSELF a beer. And cry. And then dry my eyes and get my butt to the Apple Store and buy a shiny new Macbook. Happy Day! (Ok, but for real, Drew, please fix it. Kthxbai.) 9. If you are one of those people who hate learning the dirty truth about "reality tv" now is the time to skip to number 10. I know someone who was on an episode of HGTV's Property Virgins. One of my favorite shows, okay, kids? I worship Sandra. I can recognize her voice from another room as easily as the voice of my own mother. But I have some bad news for everyone. That show is a sham! (HGTV, I will take this off my blog in exchange for casting me on one of your shows. Thanks.) The woman and her husband on this particular episode already owned the house they were "seeing for the first time" on the show. It's freaking pretend! I HATE YOU, SANDRA. I HATE YOU. 10. I added this little thing to the bottom of my work e-mail signature: "Please don't print this e-mail unless you really need to." Now tell me, if you saw that on the bottom of someone's signature, would your reaction be: "What a little snobby jerkface! I'm printing this thing right this second to show her who is boss!" Or more along the lines of this: "She treasures our natural resources. She's nice." Tell me. Please. Don't hold back. I can take it. *Title refers to #10--not #1. I'm among the small army of bloggers who've granted permission for The Printed Blog to use our work.

Some things never change

Five things I couldn't do as a child and still have yet to master as an adult:

Twirl a baton

Cartwheel

Roll my R's (¡Arriba!)

Snap my fingers on my left hand

Cross my eyes


What about you?

Bye-Bye #47, Hello Bloggers

Though the big 20 Something Bloggers meetup isn't until the end of June, I am already crossing off #47 on my list--attend a blogger meetup. This weekend, Jenn, Maxie, and Deutlich traveled to the Burgh to spend Saturday with local bloggers Angela, Drew, Andrea, and Mermanda (me, duh.) Us bloggers and special guest Andrew enjoyed a cozy lunch at Buca di Beppo, where we practically had the place to ourselves. (Good thing, because bloggers are a chatty bunch when we get together! Shocked? Me neither.) Photo by Deutlich After stuffing our respective faces with lasagna, chicken saltimbocca, and other various Italian nom noms, we embarked upon a fruitless search for redbull to refuel thy tired and hungover blogging folk. Unable to settle for inferior energy drink imposters such as Amp and Monster, we sought our sights upon Starbucks, where caffiene flows like the Nile. Properly "juiced," bloggers walked to the Monongahela Incline to give the out of towners a proper view of the Pittsburgh skyline. Maxie read a sign that claimed the weight limit of the incline to be eight occupants per seating section--a total of 24 passengers per car. She wondered what the real limit was, and proposed an experiment. Not wanting to die at the hands of a curious blogger, we all respectfully declined our chance to be part of a Very Scientific Study. Maybe next time, Maxie, dear. That evening, we headed to Kaya for Latin American, Southeast Asian, and Caribbean-inspired grub and deliciously fruity drinks. Mmmmm.... Sangria! There was lots of polite dinner conversation--I swear the word "balls" was used less than a dozen times. And lots of laughs. I'm so glad we were all able to get together! My first blogger meetup a smashing success. It didn't end there, though... Andrew and I took in a few strays named Deutlich and Maxie for the night. After a good night's rest, Andrew cooked us all breakfast, which we enjoyed over some Backstreet Boys. Our guests then headed home with full bellies and stacks of The Printed Blog, which Jenn lovingly bestowed upon all of the bloggers after lunch.

RAYGE

Background information: Facebook ruined Andrew's plans to surprise me with Ray LaMontagne tickets by sending me an e-mail from the iLike application--alerting me of the show.

Me: Ray LaMontagne is coming to Pittsburgh!!! We have to go!
Andrew: Dammit! You weren't supposed to know that! Now what am I supposed to get you for Valentine's Day?
Me: You sure as hell still better buy me those tickets, you idiot!
(We love each other.)

I received this e-mail from him this morning:

Subject: GAHHHHH BAH GRRRRRRRR!
From: Andrew

I'M SO [BLEEP] MADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

The Ray Lamontagne tickets were supposed to go on sale tomorrow at 10 [BLEEP] A.M. so I went to the theater's site today to make sure that they were going to be up tomorrow and everything and I discovered that THEY HAVE ALREADY BEEN ON SALE SOMEHOW. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MADDER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Every single goddamn seat that is good seems to be sold already. I WANT TO PUNCH SOMEBODY IN THEIR FACE! [BLEEP]! AND THEN! AND THENNNNNNNNN! I TRIED TO PURCHASE WHAT SEEMED LIKE DECENT SEATS IN THE BALCONY, BUT THEY HAVE LITTLE STUPID ROWS OF 3!!!! 3! WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS A ROW OF THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE????? YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO BUY ONLY TWO TICKETS IN THE ROWS OF 3 BECAUSE THAT LEAVES ONLY ONE SEAT LEFT FOR SOME ASSSSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOLLLLLLE. AMANDA I'M GOING TO MURDER SOMEONE. MUR-DER THEM!

Tell me what you want me to do. There are seats available in the LOGE section, which is theater code for [BLEEP] [BLEEP] SEATS. They are all the [BLEEP] way back on the floor like pretty much in the [BLEEP] LOBBBBBY. THERE ARE ALSO some seats open in the balcony or other terrible places. [BLEEP] A. I'm really sorry about this, I was so [BLEEP] EXCITED to get you amazing seats up by the stage. I had the [BLEEP] THING bookmarked and an email reminder set so I would be the first person to buy them tomorrow morning. I HATE MYSELF. And I HATE THE PALACE THEATER.

The way I see it there are two options:
1. Buy shitty tickets and boo really loudly the whole time we're there.
2. Kill someone.
3. Kill everyone.

Your choice.
[BLEEP].

-Andrew

P.S. Please disregard this email. In my rage I purchased us two balcony seats that I believe will not be too terrible. If they are, I'm going to go down to the orchestra level and punch every single person sitting there IN THE FACE.

I love you! Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, how I love crossing things off lists!

Just crossed off another item on my 101 Things in 1001 Days list. #8 Send an anonymous gift This one was super fun. A coworker of mine has been out of the office recovering from a major operation. I sent her some cheerful flowers and a Get Well balloon--with no name on the card. (Shhh! Don't tell her it was me!) If someone sent me an anonymous gift, I think it would drive me bonkers trying to figure out who it was from. How would you react to receiving an anonymous gift?

Super productive weekend

Checked off the wedding list this weekend:
Bridesmaids' Dresses (color: plum)
Wedding Cake (seedless raspberry... yum!)
DJ

Not too bad for one weekend, eh?

I also ordered a peacock feather stencil for some DIY wedding projects... now I just have to figure out this embossing business (with a little help from Kyla)!

To give you an idea of my maid of honor's experience trying on dresses this weekend... just feel bad for her. I think I threw about 15 dresses at her to try on, and made her try on about ten of them repeatedly.

Me: "Uh, did we like that blue one on you?"
Bri: "Um... maybe?"
Me: (sweet angel face) "Would you mind trying it on one more time?"
Bri: (sincerely) "Not at all!"

What a trooper she is, right all?

She ended up looking fabulous in several dresses, which only made my life harder. I ended up letting her pick which one she liked the most--and the one she picked is linked above. The plum color (though I think it is more appropriately described as a shimmery lilac) looks amazing with the peacock feathers. They just POP next to the dress. Yay!

As for the wedding cake tasting, nom nom nom. The woman in charge of the tasting was a little... hmm... how to put this delicately... insane?! Yes. That works. But she's not the baker, so I felt good about handing her over a check. With the wedding package we purchased, we will get to pick eight other desserts in addition to our wedding cake (pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin pie, coconut cream pie, death by chocolate cake, tiramisu, etc....) Are you drooling?

Last week we met with the catering company, and Lori was a peach—to borrow a phrase from Wishcake :) And I am not just saying that because I gave her my blog's url. (Hi Lori!)

We decided on a pretty interesting combination of foods, including maki rolls, a taco bar, and a pasta station. If our budget allows, hors d'oeuvre will include mac 'n cheese balls, um... and some other stuff. (My memory can only contain so much wedding trivia.)

This week I will tackle finding an officiant, rehearsal dinner venue, and booking a shuttle for out of town guests.

This concludes Mermanda's wedding post of the week.

xo

101 in 1001 Update

As mentioned yesterday, I want to complete at least 40 items on my "101 Things in 1001 Days" list by the end of 2009. This does not include things I crossed off in 2008: #72 Get engaged #85 Read 50 books in one year #100 Frame mermaid/fisherman paintings) So, by Jan. 1, 2009--I hope to have at least 43 items total crossed off my list. I'm happy to report that yesterday I crossed off: #7 Buy a homeless person a hot meal See my full list and track my progress here. The other half of my new year's resolution is to read at least a dozen books that I didn't get to last year. Here's my list of books I want to read so far: Love in the Time of Cholera The History of Love A Tree Grows in Brooklyn Musicophilia Water for Elephants The World Without Us A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius Running with Scissors The Gift of Fear A Million Little Pieces Finally, regarding your questions about whether I'll be posting pictures of my wedding dress, the answer is no. Andrew reads this blog and keeping the dress a surprise until he sees me walking down the aisle towards him is very important to me. I hope you all understand!

Okay let's see if I remember how this works

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack. And I have to say it feels damn good! What an amazing way to be welcomed back to the blogosphere! You guys nominated me for the most interesting blog in the 20SB community! When I read all of the nominations, I did not expect to see my own name appear on the list. When I saw I had been nominated for the most interesting category, I literally squealed with delight. I also might have done an awkward little dance in my little blue striped nightgown. (My superhero outfit, according to Andrew.) I told Andrew the news and his response? "Who would find your blog interesting? It's about BAND-AIDS!" Touché, my dear. Touché. I don't know who nominated me, but thanks! I never really believed movie stars when they say crap like "It's an honor just to be nominated" for the Oscars, etc... but you know what? I believe them now. I am beyond honored! (You like me! You really like me!) Okay enough of that... On to business. 50 Books in 2008 Some of you have been asking about whether or not I read 50 books in 2008 like I had set out to do. The answer is yes. Though, just barely. I finished number 50 with eight hours of '08 to spare. The final 11 books on the list are all plays (with the one audio book exception). Quick reads... was under the gun, ya know? I read a total of 9,325 pages last year. That's just craziness! Here's the list, in the order that they were read. I've emboldened the top ten books that I highly recommend you read for yourselves... I hope you like the Sedaris siblings... 1. Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim (David Sedaris) 2. Holidays on Ice (David Sedaris) 3. The Glass Castle (Jeannette Walls) 4. The Five People You Meet in Heaven (Mitch Albom) 5. Me Talk Pretty One Day (David Sedaris) 6. Your Blues Ain't Like Mine (Bebe Moore Campbell) 7. The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Stephen Chbosky) 8. Then, Suddenly (Lynn Emanuel) 9. The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat And Other Clinical Tales (Oliver Sacks) 10. Lolita (Vladimir Nabokov) 11. The Little Book of Plagiarism (Richard Posner) 12. A Streetcar Named Desire (Tennessee Williams) 13. Fire Wheel (Sharmila Voorakkara) 14. I Like You (Amy Sedaris) 15. Tuesdays With Morrie (Mitch Albom) 16. Naked (David Sedaris) 17. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (Tennessee Williams) 18. Happy Birthday, Wanda June (Kurt Vonnegut) 19. The Rum Diary (Hunter S. Thompson) 20. A Raisin in the Sun (Lorraine Hansberry) 21. When You Are Engulfed in Flames (David Sedaris) 22. Bait and Switch (Barbara Ehrenreich) 23. Post Office (Charles Bukowski) 24. Message in a Bottle (Nicholas Sparks) 25. Dear John (Nicholas Sparks) 26. At First Sight (Nicholas Sparks) 27. The Mysteries of Pittsburgh (Michael Chabon) 28. Look Me in the Eye (John Elder Robinson) 29. Snow Flower and the Secret Fan (Lisa See) 30. The Final Solution: A Story of Detection (Michael Chabon) 31. The Awakening (Kate Chopin) 32. Of Mice and Men (John Steinbeck) 33. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (Edward Albee) 34. Resurrection Blues (Arthur Miller) 35. The Sign in Sidney Brustein's Window (Lorraine Hansberry) 36. Not about Nightingales (Tennessee Williams) 37. A Model World and Other Stories (Michael Chabon) 38. Indignation (Philip Roth) 39. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (Maya Angelou) 40. The Baby with the Bathwater (Christopher Durang) 41. Hughie (Eugene O'Neill ) 42. Betty's Summer Vacation (Christopher Durang) 43. Barrel Fever (David Sedaris) (audio book) 44. Long Day's Journey into Night (Eugene O'neill) 45. Buried Child (Sam Shepard) 46. The Gin Game (D. L. Coburn) 47. Don't Drink the Water (Woody Allen) 48. 'Night Mother (Marsha Norman) 49. Barefoot in the Park (Neil Simon) 50. The Member of the Wedding (Carson McCullers) So what's next? My resolution for 2009 is to complete at least 40 items on my 101 Things in 1001 Days list. I already have a few items crossed off--I'll post an update tomorrow. Thanks Thank you so much for reading my blog. 2008 was a terrific year for me. I fell in love with blogging and this entire community, I moved into a fabulous house with Andrew, I got engaged, and started planning our wedding! Oh, and did I mention that I BOUGHT MY WEDDING DRESS? EEEEEEE!! Here's to a superb 2009. Muah!

The very first thing to be crossed off my list...

Is number 72! Last night, Andrew proposed while we were decorating the Christmas tree! He was handing me the ornaments and I was strategically placing them on the boughs. After I had hung what I thought was the last ornament, I stepped back to admire my work. That's when he, on bended knee, held out one last ornament. A peacock with a diamond ring around its neck! We even have the moment caught on tape. Andrew told me he wanted to make a video of us decorating the tree and then speed it up and put it to music. Always on the lookout for blogging material, I thought this was a fantastic idea. But who knew I'd get to later rewind the video to watch my jaw hit the floor as a diamond-studded peacock was presented to me!? I'll share the video once Andrew edits it for me. Yay! We're engaged!

I think Santa finally lost his marbles

You know how bloggers are taking their time to thoughtfully prepare gift guides for the holidays? Well, I'm not one of them. Instead, I want to show you some of the biggest wastes of money I have ever laid my eyes upon--all found in the newest Bed Bath and Beyond "1001 Best Gifts and Beyond" circular.


First, we have the Wallet Pix: Carry up to 58 of your favorite photos wherever you go with this mini-digital photo album, which features a 128 x 128 crystal clear color display and is small enough to fit in your wallet, pocket or purse. $14.99

I find this extremely unnecessary, especially in the age of high tech mobile phones. If you really want to bore That Guy Sitting Next To You On The Airplane with photos of your kids' kids... wait until you land and quickly bust out your phone. He'll never see it coming.

The next completely idiotic gift idea that I have for you, is the Krups Beertender.



The Krups BeerTender®, for the ultimate at-home draught beer experience, was designed for the beer connoisseur with an aversion to reading the instruction manual. The, BeerTender® is simple to use and was designed to work exclusively with the Heineken® and Heineken Premium Light® Draught Kegs®.

Okay, so this thing is advertised in the Bed Bath and Beyond circular for $279.99. That price tag is the first problem. The second problem is that it only works with shitty beer... er... I mean Heineken. The third problem? It doesn't even come with beer? So you shelled out almost $300 and what do you have to show for it? This ugly thing that is sure to take up lots of precious counter space and dispense--at best-- a mediocre brew. No thanks, Santa. How bout you get me a six pack of Allagash and we'll call it even?

Next: Waring Pro® Wine Chiller. Chill and serve wines at their proper temperature with this professional wine chiller. Its attractive classic design with streamlined body enhances table presentation beautifully. The LCD backlit screen displays preprogrammed temperatures for 33 varieties of red, white and Champagne wines from the MCU library database. $99.99



Seriously? For just twice the price of this completely idiotic gift, you could buy a really nice wine cellar, which stores and cools 25 bottles of wine. I mean, if you want that bottle of red to be perfectly chilled for dinner? Throw it in the fridge for five minutes. Seriously. And it won't even set you back an entire Benjamin. Again, Santa? If you want to get me something nice, a case of Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's will be graciously accepted in lieu of this glorified electronic ice bucket.

Next: simplehuman® 14-Ounce Sensor Soap Dispenser: This cutting-edge soap dispenser from simplehuman® brings sleek style and modern technology to your home's functional products. This sensor dispenser automatically releases hand soap, dish soap or lotion and even has an indicator light that activates when soap is released. When the timer is activated, light blinks for 20 seconds to indicate when hands are clean. $39.99




For $40 a robot better actually wash my hands for me. A blinking light to tell me when my hands are clean? Just... go to hell, Santa.

Okay, I could go on, as I'm only on page 8 of this 24 page ad, but I just don't have the energy to continue.

I'm signing off this blog post with some words to the manufacturers of these asinine products: If you are trying to come up with gifts for "the people who have everything"--just stop. People Who Have Everything do not have room for useless crap in their homes. (Their Cool Stuff is taking up all the room. Duh.)