Deadly safety precaution

To build upon yesterday's stick-on earring nostalgia, today I will tell you one of my favorite stories from my childhood. At the height of the slap bracelet craze, my parents took mine away from me after reading reports about their possible dangers. Kids were cutting themselves when the metal insert slipped out of the cloth exterior. I was not pleased. My hot-pink slap bracelet bespeckled with smiley faces was at that point my favorite accessory. It was then that I learned an important lesson: parents are lame. One evening my parents dropped me and my sister off at my grandparents' house so they could enjoy an evening out on the town. When they returned to pick us up that night, they came bearing a surprise for me. "Honey, look what we got you! It's a slap bracelet. But it's safe because it's covered in this thick stitching!" Thinking back on it, it was ugly. It resembled a hideous sweater. But! It was a slap bracelet. And with it around my wrist, I was back to being "a cool kid." It was a giant win for my parents. That is... until my dad "demonstrated" the slap bracelet's precautionary design. Attaching it around his wrist with a satisfying "slap," my dad let out a yelp. "Oh! Oh my God! I'm bleeding!" My dad, always a kidder. We laughed. He ran from my grandma's living room to the kitchen--so as to not get blood all over the furniture. (Grandma's wrath is a MUCH bigger problem than a slit wrist... trust me.) Wow, dad is really putting on a show! Okay, dad. Ha-ha. Good one. Now can we please go home so I can watch Nick at Night? (No cable at the grandparents' house.) That's when we all realized he was gushing blood into the kitchen sink. The "safe" slap bracelet had ripped him apart. Off to the emergency room he went for stitches. In the waiting room, a man asked my dad what had happened to him. When he explained the situation, the man was appalled. "For God's sakes, man! At least lie and say it was a power tool injury--or something else manly!" As you can guess, I never was allowed to wear another slap bracelet. Which is kind of unfortunate... because even Jesus loves slap bracelets.