Hair of the dog... or shriveled guitar player

First, let me clear up some rumors. It is true! Our offer on the house was accepted! We are having the inspection Friday, and barring any awful surprises, we are closing May 29! The house is stone with clay tile shingles. It is pretty much an indestructible fortress. Now we just need some dogs!

Speaking of dogs... my new haircut resembles a strange mix of:

Chinese Crested Dog



Ronnie Wood (Rolling Stones)



Pat Benatar


In other words, I look really hot.


Photos to come...

Gesundheit!

On the bus this morning, a woman sat across from me sneezing her poor little head off. No one was acknowledging her--so after her third sneeze I slid in there with a tiny little "bless you." She nodded and said "thank you."

I then sat back and thought about the little exchange that just took place. Isn't it totally weird? Why did I feel so compelled to "bless" this stranger? I mean, I'm pretty sure this woman is not coming down with the bubonic plague any time soon. Right?

But then I remembered my upbringing...

Growing up, my dad was always extremely offended if his sneeze was met with silence.

Dad: ACHOOO!
Me: [silence]
Sister: [silence]
Mom: [silence]

awkward silence....

Dad: WELL, GOD FORBID ANYONE SHOULD BLESS ME!

The moral of the story is, if you ever meet my dad and ignore his sneeze--you better not ask him for any favors.

He's back on the wagon, folks

Check out the latest installment of this idiot's Andrew's blog. Don't forget to enter his contest!

You don't want it. He can't have it back.

Found this over at Strange Musings of a Distracted Spunk. It's genius! And hilarious.

I'm in the market to sell a 14kt gold heart locket. I'll be registering shortly. (Unless I have any takers out there in blog land? Make me an offer I can't refuse.)

RAYGE

Background information: Facebook ruined Andrew's plans to surprise me with Ray LaMontagne tickets by sending me an e-mail from the iLike application--alerting me of the show.

Me: Ray LaMontagne is coming to Pittsburgh!!! We have to go!
Andrew: Dammit! You weren't supposed to know that! Now what am I supposed to get you for Valentine's Day?
Me: You sure as hell still better buy me those tickets, you idiot!
(We love each other.)

I received this e-mail from him this morning:

Subject: GAHHHHH BAH GRRRRRRRR!
From: Andrew

I'M SO [BLEEP] MADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

The Ray Lamontagne tickets were supposed to go on sale tomorrow at 10 [BLEEP] A.M. so I went to the theater's site today to make sure that they were going to be up tomorrow and everything and I discovered that THEY HAVE ALREADY BEEN ON SALE SOMEHOW. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MADDER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Every single goddamn seat that is good seems to be sold already. I WANT TO PUNCH SOMEBODY IN THEIR FACE! [BLEEP]! AND THEN! AND THENNNNNNNNN! I TRIED TO PURCHASE WHAT SEEMED LIKE DECENT SEATS IN THE BALCONY, BUT THEY HAVE LITTLE STUPID ROWS OF 3!!!! 3! WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS A ROW OF THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE????? YOU AREN'T ALLOWED TO BUY ONLY TWO TICKETS IN THE ROWS OF 3 BECAUSE THAT LEAVES ONLY ONE SEAT LEFT FOR SOME ASSSSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOLLLLLLE. AMANDA I'M GOING TO MURDER SOMEONE. MUR-DER THEM!

Tell me what you want me to do. There are seats available in the LOGE section, which is theater code for [BLEEP] [BLEEP] SEATS. They are all the [BLEEP] way back on the floor like pretty much in the [BLEEP] LOBBBBBY. THERE ARE ALSO some seats open in the balcony or other terrible places. [BLEEP] A. I'm really sorry about this, I was so [BLEEP] EXCITED to get you amazing seats up by the stage. I had the [BLEEP] THING bookmarked and an email reminder set so I would be the first person to buy them tomorrow morning. I HATE MYSELF. And I HATE THE PALACE THEATER.

The way I see it there are two options:
1. Buy shitty tickets and boo really loudly the whole time we're there.
2. Kill someone.
3. Kill everyone.

Your choice.
[BLEEP].

-Andrew

P.S. Please disregard this email. In my rage I purchased us two balcony seats that I believe will not be too terrible. If they are, I'm going to go down to the orchestra level and punch every single person sitting there IN THE FACE.

I love you! Happy Valentine's Day.

Fangs and Football

My weekend in photos: I saw Twilight. Yeah, I loved it. So what? I crossed another one off my list. My first taste of Sake.
(And probably my last. Ick.)
Welcome to the SUPER BOWL! Go Steelers! Eat 'n Park really is the place for smiles. If you aren't familiar with the Smiley cookie... you obviously aren't down with the Burgh. Nom nom nom! It was a really close game... you could cut the tension with a knife. But I don't have to tell you... I'm sure you've already heard all about SIXBURGH! Woop!

Andrew Has a Flavor: Episode 1

Here's the debut of my semi-regular feature devoted to the amusing things uttered by Andrew. Enjoy!

Andrew: Can I eat this mac and cheese? Or is it for a special occasion?

Andrew Is Fired

I'm launching a semi-regular feature on Cusp of Normal, devoted to the crazy/sexy/cool things that come out of Andrew's mouth. I asked him to help me think of names for this feature, and a ten minute g-chat brainstorm session commenced.

Among the gems that Andrew suggested:
"Things my cool [bleep] boyfriend said, [bleep]"
"WTF Andrew?"
"Really, Andrew?"
"What are you talking about?"
"What an idiot!"
"Asshole of the Year!"
"The go [bleep] yourself hour, with Andrew"
"Andrew, you so crazy!"
"Wiggity-whack tracks with Andrew"

I interrupted his streak with my own suggestion: "The Barnacle Chronicles"

After I thought of it, I told him I loved it too much to waste it on the name of a dumb feature. "The Barnacle Chronicles" should be the name of something awesome. Something Earth-Shaking. I began thinking, this should be the name of my super-secret blog. Yeah, that's when some huge IDIOT FACE sent me a link to his new super-secret blog...

Thanks, honey. This means war.

P.S. Go tell him what a naughty little fella he is!

Puke and Pride

I took yesterday off from work and my blog to take care of my sick lovebug. He's feeling much better today--so I must have done a good job. Thank the Lord for the flu shot. For me to not be all pukey and poopy (sorry, Andrew) was such a victory for my usually weak immune system. If you didn't get a flu shot (cough, Andrew, cough, cough) I don't understand you silly people. Oh, and one more thing... Heck Yeah! Photo Credit: New York Times Forget about that "elect" business. This is our country's PRESIDENT! Whoop! Whooop! Update: Could Andrew's mystery illness have been caused by... (dramatic pause) ... SALMONELLA POISONING? The world may never know.

Cracking up about crackers

Yesterday afternoon I called Andrew while he was at work. He answered his cell and said in an urgent manner, "Can I call you back in fifteen minutes?" Assuming it was some work-related crisis, I said, "Sure," And waited patiently.

He calls me back a little later and I ask him a question about wedding planning, blah blah. Fast forward to later that evening:

Andrew: "Did I tell you about our cracker eating contest? That's what we were doing when you called me earlier."

Me: "A cracker eating contest?"

Andrew: "Yeah, you know those little orange peanut butter cracker sandwiches? Well, John said it's impossible to eat six of them in a minute."

Okay, people, so picture five grown men AT WORK stuffing crackers down their gullets with stop watches keeping official time.

That's a pretty entertaining image. But then when you add this article from yesterday's Washington Post--it's FREAKING HILARIOUS!

Maker Recalls Peanut Butter As 2 More Die of Salmonella
By Sue Lindsey
ROANOKE, Jan. 14 -- A peanut butter maker that sells bulk supplies to institutions issued a nationwide recall as officials on Wednesday reported two more deaths associated with a salmonella outbreak.

Lynchburg-based Peanut Corp. of America issued the recall late Tuesday for 21 lots of peanut butter made since July 1 at its plant in Blakely, Ga., because of possible salmonella contamination. The company supplies peanut paste to Kellogg Co., which on Wednesday asked stores nationwide to pull peanut butter crackers sold under the Austin and Keebler brands.


Oh, Andrew. You little idiot. :)

EDIT: Sorry, guys. I didn't mean to leave you hanging like that. No one was able to eat six under a minute... but someone got close with five. It took Andrew 1:47 to eat all six.

You should get some.

nataliedee.com

Japan Hates You (And Me)

ryohin@petoffice.co.jp to me Reply from ryohin@petoffice.co.jp to Mermanda date Mon, Jan 12, 2009 at 10:56 PM subject Re: ???????? ?????? Do you speak English? 10:56 PM (10 hours ago) Reply Thank you for inquiring. The proposal of the advertisement is refused to accept. Moreover, it doesn't send it out to foreign countries at all. ----- Original Message ----- From: "Mermanda" To: Sent: Saturday, January 10, 2009 5:00 AM Subject: ???????? ?????? Do you speak English? Hello, Does anyone speak English at the Pet Office Company? I write a blog (www.cuspofnormal.blogspot.com) and my readers very much like the frog cat costume. I was wondering if we could work out a deal where I provide free advertising for your company for six months, if you would consider providing a free frog costume for me to give away on my blog. If this is something you can not agree to, I'd like to discuss shipping prices to the U.S. Thanks, Mermanda

You almost feel bad for them...

Wow. I am so drunk with power right now. I had no idea the things I could get you to do just by waving a cat dressed as a frog in front of you.

Buy me a Macbook.

What's that? Did you say no?

BAM!




Now what were you saying?

In all seriousness, I am so excited that you all share my love for cats dressed as other animals. I stumbled across this Japanese company when I was in college and would spend hours gazing at cats dressed as chickens...




Cows...



And, of course, redheads...



I was under the impression the company went out of business because none of my old links to their web site worked anymore. But it turns out they just relocated to a brand spanking new web site with brand spanking new cat costumes. Feast your eyes upen these.

I just e-mailed the company to see if they would be up for a little business deal. They provide one free frog costume for me to give away on my blog and I'll provide them will free advertising on my blog for six months. Let's see if they take the bait...

Have a great weekend everyone!

I'm such a fool...

Chatting with Andrew online during my lunch break, he told me how angry people get at his job when people call. I (half-jokingly) replied oh, me too! I get so angry when people call me. I have to take a deep breath...

That's when my phone rang. Suspicious of the timing, I answered expecting to hear Andrew cackling on the line.

I said my first and last name, my standard phone greeting at work, and listened for a reply. Nothing.

More certain than ever that it was Andrew messing with me, I said "HELLO?" It was then that I heard a small strange voice say "Helllllloooooooo."

Immediately recognizing the weird voice as one Andrew's goofy voices, I yelled, "I KNEW IT WAS YOU!"

Um... yeah. That's when a very confused reporter asked if he had the right person, and proceeded to ask me a question about a story he was writing. Ooopsie...

Creature update

E-mail from landlord:

The guys from Critter Control will be there on Monday. That was the earliest they could come. In the meantime, we are going to buy and install a trap downstairs. Sorry for the inconvenience.

--------------------------------------------------------

This could be a long weekend, you guys. ::scratch scratch::

Harboring a fugitive creature

About a month ago I was kept awake late at night by the scurrying and scratching of a creature in our attic. I contacted our landlord and told him something--something possibly quite large, from the sounds of it--had made a home above our bedroom.

Our landlord wasted no time, cautiously exploring the attic for the suspect. He found the place where he assumed the critter had made his entrance, and sealed it up. There was no trace of any animals, so he assumed it had exited the way it entered.

Fast forward to yesterday evening. I went to the bathroom to primp for our engagement celebration dinner with Andrew's family. Upon entering the bathroom, I noticed something peculiar. Our shower items (shaving cream, razors, face wash, etc.) had been knocked from the window sill and side of the tub. Everything was laying in a pile in the middle of the bathtub.

"What did you do in here?" I yelled to Andrew.

When he had no idea what I was talking about, I screamed, "We have poltergeists!"

Andrew came in to survey the scene.

That's when we noticed the paw prints. Black dirty prints, about the size of squirrel's paw, were on the sides of the tub. "Uh... oh.... We have a CREATURE!!!"

"I hope it didn't lick my soap!" I cried.

"I bet it did..." Andrew said certainly.

I called the landlord and told him the creature had returned, and this time, it means business. He said he'd come check things out the next day, and set some traps.

Well, people. Let me tell you about this morning. As I was collecting our recyclables to take to the curb, I heard violent clawing at the basement door. There was also some audible screeching. Of course, when I heard this, I did what any sane person would do. I screamed bloody murder and ran far away from the door to the basement.

I quickly dialed my landlord and told him of the creature's location.

"Well, at least we know where it is," he said. "I'll call a guy and get him to trap it today, and maybe set a few more traps, just in case."

"Okay," I said. "Be careful. It sounds really BIG."

"It's probably just a squirrel. They always sound big," he said.

May your days be merry and bright

Tonight is my sleep study. I am a little more nervous than I thought I would be about sleeping hooked up to a bunch of sensors. I have to be at the facility at 9 p.m. I wonder if they will send me straight to bed. I'm allowed to bring my laptop, so maybe I'll live blog my sleep study, if that's even possible.

What I'm most curious about is tomorrow's half of the study. I will be put in a sleep deprivation situation where they will see how long it takes me to fall asleep for three consecutive naps. I think the sleep deprivation part will be that as soon as I fall asleep, they'll be waking me up. Someone might get punched. They better be careful.

And now, a little dose of Andrew on the holidays:

Andrew: Someone set up a stupid fake plant covered with blinking colored lights right next to my desk. It's driving me crazy. There are also 3 six inch tall singing mice in hats. I hate working in the hallway :(

Me: Tell me about the singing.

Andrew: I haven't heard them sing yet--but I've been warned that they have the ability to sing.

***************************

So there you have it, folks. I hope your holidays are full of mice wearing lots of nice hats and absolutely no vocal chords.

I think Santa finally lost his marbles

You know how bloggers are taking their time to thoughtfully prepare gift guides for the holidays? Well, I'm not one of them. Instead, I want to show you some of the biggest wastes of money I have ever laid my eyes upon--all found in the newest Bed Bath and Beyond "1001 Best Gifts and Beyond" circular.


First, we have the Wallet Pix: Carry up to 58 of your favorite photos wherever you go with this mini-digital photo album, which features a 128 x 128 crystal clear color display and is small enough to fit in your wallet, pocket or purse. $14.99

I find this extremely unnecessary, especially in the age of high tech mobile phones. If you really want to bore That Guy Sitting Next To You On The Airplane with photos of your kids' kids... wait until you land and quickly bust out your phone. He'll never see it coming.

The next completely idiotic gift idea that I have for you, is the Krups Beertender.



The Krups BeerTender®, for the ultimate at-home draught beer experience, was designed for the beer connoisseur with an aversion to reading the instruction manual. The, BeerTender® is simple to use and was designed to work exclusively with the Heineken® and Heineken Premium Light® Draught Kegs®.

Okay, so this thing is advertised in the Bed Bath and Beyond circular for $279.99. That price tag is the first problem. The second problem is that it only works with shitty beer... er... I mean Heineken. The third problem? It doesn't even come with beer? So you shelled out almost $300 and what do you have to show for it? This ugly thing that is sure to take up lots of precious counter space and dispense--at best-- a mediocre brew. No thanks, Santa. How bout you get me a six pack of Allagash and we'll call it even?

Next: Waring Pro® Wine Chiller. Chill and serve wines at their proper temperature with this professional wine chiller. Its attractive classic design with streamlined body enhances table presentation beautifully. The LCD backlit screen displays preprogrammed temperatures for 33 varieties of red, white and Champagne wines from the MCU library database. $99.99



Seriously? For just twice the price of this completely idiotic gift, you could buy a really nice wine cellar, which stores and cools 25 bottles of wine. I mean, if you want that bottle of red to be perfectly chilled for dinner? Throw it in the fridge for five minutes. Seriously. And it won't even set you back an entire Benjamin. Again, Santa? If you want to get me something nice, a case of Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's will be graciously accepted in lieu of this glorified electronic ice bucket.

Next: simplehuman® 14-Ounce Sensor Soap Dispenser: This cutting-edge soap dispenser from simplehuman® brings sleek style and modern technology to your home's functional products. This sensor dispenser automatically releases hand soap, dish soap or lotion and even has an indicator light that activates when soap is released. When the timer is activated, light blinks for 20 seconds to indicate when hands are clean. $39.99




For $40 a robot better actually wash my hands for me. A blinking light to tell me when my hands are clean? Just... go to hell, Santa.

Okay, I could go on, as I'm only on page 8 of this 24 page ad, but I just don't have the energy to continue.

I'm signing off this blog post with some words to the manufacturers of these asinine products: If you are trying to come up with gifts for "the people who have everything"--just stop. People Who Have Everything do not have room for useless crap in their homes. (Their Cool Stuff is taking up all the room. Duh.)

I never was very fond of ham

I just wrote a blog about how I'm sick and blah blah blah WHO CARES? I'm not going to bore you with my aches and pains. Instead I will share with you a not so fond memory from my childhood.


In town to celebrate Thanksgiving and my birthday, my grandparents were staying with us for a few days. The family was seated at the table for dinner, a day or two before Turkey Day. I was probably about 7-years-old.

A tall glass of red Kool-Aid and a plate of ham sat before me. I took one bite of the ham and pushed it away.

"It's too salty!" I exclaimed in disgust.

"It is not. Now eat your dinner," either my mom or dad insisted.

"No... it's gross! I can't eat it."

"Just drink your Kool-Aid and take a few more bites."

Begrudgingly, I was obedient. I swallowed the Kool-Aid and ate a few small bites of the ham.

"I don't feel so good..."

Okay, the details get a little bit fuzzy here. But the image of Kool-Aid-colored vomit is still quite vivid in my memory.

It was probably just a coincidence, but I blame that flu--which knocked me out of commission for my birthday and Thanksgiving--on that damn ham, and indirectly on my parents for making me eat it, of course.

That flu was quite a doozy. I couldn't keep down anything. Any. Thing. In fact, it was during that very flu that I first experienced the joys that are suppositories. You want to hear a kid scream bloody murder? Suppositories are the way to go.